Boundaries In Dating Study Guide
Use our video lessons and quizzes to help you understand continental drift theories, plate boundaries and geological dating methods. Your relationships? If you picked one Law for focused self-improvement, which one would it be? Boundaries Study Guide https.
Rules for Romance That Can Help You Find the Love of Your LifeBetween singleness and marriage lies the journey of dating. Want to make your road as smooth as possible? Set and maintain healthy boundaries-boundaries that will help you grow in freedom, honesty, and self-control.If many of your dating experiences have been difficult, Boundaries in Dating could revolutionize Rules for Romance That Can Help You Find the Love of Your LifeBetween singleness and marriage lies the journey of dating. Want to make your road as smooth as possible? Set and maintain healthy boundaries-boundaries that will help you grow in freedom, honesty, and self-control.If many of your dating experiences have been difficult, Boundaries in Dating could revolutionize the way you handle relationships.
Even if you’re doing well, the insights you’ll gain from this much-needed book can help you fine-tune or even completely readjust important areas of your dating life. Written by the authors of the bestselling book Boundaries, Boundaries in Dating is your road map to the kind of enjoyable, rewarding dating that can take you from weekends alone to a lifetime with the soul mate you’ve longed for.
While people who aren't Christian may not get enjoy this book, it is such a great reminder for developing healthy relationships, and is a tell-all book of how to conduct one's self in a relationship. Very nice:) I personally realized what it was that never worked in past relationships, and how to step through each day in dating in order to get the most out of a relationship, and not let tendencies of my X-generation determine the fate of my relationship. Don't let people step on you, this book wi while people who aren't Christian may not get enjoy this book, it is such a great reminder for developing healthy relationships, and is a tell-all book of how to conduct one's self in a relationship. Very nice:) I personally realized what it was that never worked in past relationships, and how to step through each day in dating in order to get the most out of a relationship, and not let tendencies of my X-generation determine the fate of my relationship. Don't let people step on you, this book will help you realize people that will make relationships particularly hard, when to get out of those, and how to conduct yourself so that you don't become that person.
It takes two to make a relationship work:). I really liked this book. It has lots of insights and wisdom. However, I do disagree with some of this book arguments. In the beginning of the book, the authors show their disagreement with ‘I kissed dating goodbye’ by saying that dating is a good experience for growth regardless of each experience results and impacts. However, it seems they didn't really get the point of that book and also sometimes they seem to contradict themselves.
For example, they say that dating is for mature people, who ar I really liked this book. It has lots of insights and wisdom. However, I do disagree with some of this book arguments. In the beginning of the book, the authors show their disagreement with ‘I kissed dating goodbye’ by saying that dating is a good experience for growth regardless of each experience results and impacts.
However, it seems they didn't really get the point of that book and also sometimes they seem to contradict themselves. For example, they say that dating is for mature people, who are somehow spiritually grownups, but yet they don’t mind teens dating. For the sake of experience and as a part of the growing-up process but that doesn't justify ‘The need’ for dating. You can have lots of relationships with people of both sexes to grow up.
You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship with someone to grow up! ‘I kissed dating goodbye’ point is: if you are not ready yet to make a long term commitment to someone, then don’t think about dating or going into a romantic relationship. Focus on building your future, yourself, be supportive to everyone around you, caring, and love all people. And when you are ready to make a commitment then consider getting to know someone well, perhaps by starting a friendship with him and then when are you more aware of him and his character, then you can start thinking of dating (courtship) that person. Dating when you are not ready to make a commitment is useless and there’s no point if it -at the time- and in fact it can prevent you from focusing on building yourself and your future. Singleness isn't bad.
It is a blessing and you can use it well for personal & spiritual growth. This book point is: dating is good, even if you get hurt or you get a heartache, the experience is good. You will be able to learn a lot more about yourself and can be a better person who is well-rounded and more experienced in relating to other people. Dating can help you know more about yourself, your character issues and allows you to make a change and achieve personal growth before making a long term commitment to someone. This book doesn't require you to be able to make a commitment to someone to start dating. After that, the book starts dealing with dating issues that can happen to anyone, even those who follow ‘I kissed dating goodbye’ principles. And I must say yes, they are right.
Dating has benefits. However, I think if the person doesn't start dating early –when he’s not ready for a commitment yet- and focus more on personal and spiritual growth, many character flows can be dealt with and healed before even the dating is started which would reduce a lot the dating/relationship problems and issues. This book –still- has lots of wisdom and gives its readers lots of great & precious advises.
It deals with lots and lots of relationships issues and problems and gives a solution for each problem. This book also helps you to be more aware of yourself and of the person you are in a romantic relationship with. 'You will have a good relationship to the degree that you are able to be clear and honest about everything.' 'People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work.'
'Many people try to change their patterns all on their own, using willpower, discipline, resolve, and the like. Sooner or later, they tend to fail. A desire to change is generally not enough, or we would have changed before.(Colossians 2:23). Relationship is the fuel which makes change and gro 'You will have a good relationship to the degree that you are able to be clear and honest about everything.' 'People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work.' 'Many people try to change their patterns all on their own, using willpower, discipline, resolve, and the like. Sooner or later, they tend to fail.
A desire to change is generally not enough, or we would have changed before.(Colossians 2:23). Relationship is the fuel which makes change and growth possible. It provides comfort so you can bear the difficulty of change. It creates support for the person as she struggles and fails. It brings reality to her, so that she can change directions and try new ways of solving her problems.' 'In a mature relationship, romantic idealization waxes and wanes through the connection at various times. It arises out of a deep appreciation and gratitude for the person's presence and love, yet it retains the reality of who he is at the same time.'
'Instead of expressing love through sex, the luster replaces love with sex.' 'God does not look at us as like a piece of porcelain that, once broken, is always broken. He looks at us all as broken people whom he makes new again.'
'So many people naively think they will meet a kindred spirit who will never have an argument with them.And they are devastated or lose hope when they find themselves having long-term conflicts.Give up the demand that your relationship be conflict-free, get over it, and go to the next step.' 'Does your date know how you feel about how he treats you? Or do you minimize it, make excuses for it, or simply give him the silent treatment, hoping he will get the message?
This is not an honest approach.' While many previous reviewers (rightly) noted that this book covers a lot of 'common sense' concepts (though common sense isn't as commonly exercised as it may once have been.), I think the most beneficial takeaway was its comprehensive picture of what maturity in the context of dating looks like. Distinguishing between deep character flaws and petty annoyances, taking responsibility for enabling a date's misbehavior while also addressing it, and handling conflict honestly and graciously are While many previous reviewers (rightly) noted that this book covers a lot of 'common sense' concepts (though common sense isn't as commonly exercised as it may once have been.), I think the most beneficial takeaway was its comprehensive picture of what maturity in the context of dating looks like. Distinguishing between deep character flaws and petty annoyances, taking responsibility for enabling a date's misbehavior while also addressing it, and handling conflict honestly and graciously are all learned skills; we're not born selfless, and navigating a relationship that isn't necessarily (yet?) a lifelong commitment can be a little hairy sometimes. Like their cornerstone book, Boundaries, the overarching message is to genuinely love others well (and by well, I mean unselfishly) without allowing them to abuse or mistreat you, and without becoming overbearing or disregarding their freedom to choose (even if you don't like their choices).
Again, it paints a good 'big picture' of maturity, mostly through the use of case studies and straightforward breakdowns of issues' common roots. It would be a great resource for those who may feel 'stuck' in a pattern of dating the 'wrong' people, for those who mentor singles, and for those who are interested in the psychology of relationship development from a biblical perspective. (Honestly, even if you don't have a biblical perspective, the insight is still valuable and applicable.
It's simply a solid read.). People kept telling me to read this.
I don't believe in this book because most of these things should be common sense. And after reading this, I believe that still holds. This book may be more pertinent if there are issues in a relationship or dichotomies in your expectations, religious views and morals. The book does a good at looking at all aspects of dating from beginning to end: from when you start looking for a partner to when you are one year in. While I'm still not a strong a People kept telling me to read this. I don't believe in this book because most of these things should be common sense.
And after reading this, I believe that still holds. This book may be more pertinent if there are issues in a relationship or dichotomies in your expectations, religious views and morals. The book does a good at looking at all aspects of dating from beginning to end: from when you start looking for a partner to when you are one year in. While I'm still not a strong advocate of this book, some of the issues covered are good reminders for any relationship. Zoo wee Mama, do I have some thoughts on this one.
First, the positives: like many of those said before me, this book has a lot of common sense advice. If you're like me and couldn't understand flirting if it hit you across the face with a frying pan, this book really helps you see how people date, how dating is supposed to work, and how to establish boundaries with those you date. The common sense advice helps those who might not have a lot of dating experience (am I saying this from a place of Zoo wee Mama, do I have some thoughts on this one.
First, the positives: like many of those said before me, this book has a lot of common sense advice. If you're like me and couldn't understand flirting if it hit you across the face with a frying pan, this book really helps you see how people date, how dating is supposed to work, and how to establish boundaries with those you date. The common sense advice helps those who might not have a lot of dating experience (am I saying this from a place of personal experience? Maybe), or who were never really taught what boundaries are and that you're supposed to have them with everyone, this is a good book to pick up. Especially if you're Christian. I do believe we live in a society that 'romanticizes' romance, where you're supposed to be 100% devoted to your partner, tell them EVERYTHING, let them into every part of your life, let them do whatever possible for love. This book reminds us that no, you're a human, you can ask for proper treatment and allow consequences if your needs are not respected or met.
It removes the guilt of wanting space, and removes the stigma of a 'crazy' partner who doesn't want you looking through their phone all for the sake of love. Some other thoughts I had: Cloud and Townstead write a lot about boundaries, about growth, etc, but seem to forget that when it comes to dating, purity culture is being dismantled day by day (for good reason). Every chapter, you get hit in the face with the fact that Cloud and Townstead don't like sex before marriage. Cool, great, nice, but why is this in a chapter about not cutting yourself off from friends and family? Also, Cloud and Townstead are two middle aged dudes who dated when purity culture was still running rampant. If you want dating advice written for a modern age (please put your pitchforks down before you try be for heretical thought), this might not be the BEST book, but it's a good book.
A lot of their views on sex are in line with the hushed whispers and Bible thumping rigid thoughts of Midwest Protestantism. It gets tiring. I also found it interesting that some of the examples used include people who are dedicated enough to be talking marriage, then decide that when the other isn't willing to commit yet (which is fine and established more as the partner needing time, or needing to see their partner isn't going to wait forever), they're just going to 'see other people' for a while. Maybe it's the language but that sounds like a strange lack of commitment for a relationship discussing marriage.
I digress, and nitpick, and I know that. Not a bad book. Actual rating: 2.5 stars If I'd known this was a Christian dating guide, I likely would have saved my money. Still, the title sounded like it would have been helpful to me and it was on sale, so into my Kindle it went. I'm honestly just shocked that decent Christian dating books even exist.
After all, this one encourages casual dating!.wink. No one enters the dating world competent and ready to go. You may come from a good family and relational background.
You may be a well-rounded personBut, Actual rating: 2.5 stars If I'd known this was a Christian dating guide, I likely would have saved my money. Still, the title sounded like it would have been helpful to me and it was on sale, so into my Kindle it went. I'm honestly just shocked that decent Christian dating books even exist. After all, this one encourages casual dating!.wink.
No one enters the dating world competent and ready to go. You may come from a good family and relational background. You may be a well-rounded personBut, even given these advantages, the specific arena of dating, like any other relational undertaking, must be experienced through hours and hours of trial and error. Tell this to the purity culture warriors, please! This wasn't a bad guide by any means. There were some great pieces of advice that anyone can apply to their love life, though some readers may consider the bulk of it good old common sense.
I've highlighted many passages that could help me improve in certain areas, or serve as reminders. Since this is a Christian book, I expected to come across bits implying that couples who have sex before marriage are 'shallow.'
It was said that if you have sex before you're married, you are 'throwing your body away' because 'it is all you have.' I really didn't appreciate those passages, but I got what I paid for. Thankfully, most of that is contained in one or two chapters and doesn't permeate the entire book as much as I thought it would.
Another downside I sorta had with this guide was the emphasis on having a system to hold you accountable. This isn't a negative thing at all-a support group or even one good listener is valuable when you're pursuing a relationship.
What I kinda took from it was the authors assuming that everyone inherently has that support, which isn't the case. This may sound nitpicky and you could probably say the same about many self-help books. I just wish they had provided genuine advice once in a while, instead of ending a section with 'go talk to your friends.'
How is one expected to form friendships when according to these authors, if someone doesn't have close friends, it should be taken as a 'bad sign'? There could be a lot of reasons someone doesn't have close friends, that aren't something like they're a bad person and don't know how to relate to others or whatever. It was pretty judgmental. Generally speaking, this is an okay book if you're about to begin dating and feel unknowing or overwhelmed. While I did have a few issues with it, and a better part of the advice will be very obvious if you have any self-awareness, there were some good things to balance it out.
The core of the book focuses on one's boundaries.the rules and standards one needs to set in place in order to not only find the right person to marry, yet also be the right person for yourself. Part 1 of the book focuses on one's needs.and how important it is to be at peace (in a way) with one's self before devoting your time and energy to another. The doctors stress that dating is for adults, and not for children.and one should approach dating in a mature fashion, otherwise you may attra The core of the book focuses on one's boundaries.the rules and standards one needs to set in place in order to not only find the right person to marry, yet also be the right person for yourself. Part 1 of the book focuses on one's needs.and how important it is to be at peace (in a way) with one's self before devoting your time and energy to another. The doctors stress that dating is for adults, and not for children.and one should approach dating in a mature fashion, otherwise you may attract immature people who won't give you what you want. It's important that one approaches dating as a want and desire to find a mate (or husband or wife), and not about filling a hole in one's life.such as loneliness, or other needy-type issues with one's self. It's okay if someone 'completes you', yet one should not use one's romantic partner to make up for one's shortcomings.
A key chapter for me, was 'Adapt Now, Pay Later.which stresses the importance of being truthful about who you are when you are dating someone, otherwise your romantic prospect may fall for someone that is not you. Though it's good to put your best foot forward in order to court or impress a date, it's important that you present the best of who you really are. Failure to do so may result in confusion, and resentment.This is a trap I have fallen into on too many occasions (sad to say). Another important thing that BOUNDARIES IN DATING stresses is the importance of friendship.and how one must not approach dating in a vacuum. The love and support of friends and family is essential to a healthy dating life.
Friends keep you balanced, and remind you of life's realities. If you hide whom you are dating from loved ones, there's a risk that may be with the wrong person. Friends and family can only help to put things in proper perspective. Though I can't say I enjoyed reading this book. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend's prose was a frustrating mixture of clarity and confusion; I stumbled with more than a few passages. I also felt a little detached about some of the book's content.which included various quotes from The Bible, as well as other Christian perspectives and references.
Yet all the same, I found much of the book helpful, and many of its points rang very true for me. BOUNDARIES IN DATING is healing medicine that may not taste good, yet will do right by you in the end. There was a lot I already knew, so it was kind of review. Not to say it wasn't good, it was, (as evidenced by the numerous highlights), but much of it was stuff I've already heard/thought about.
I had one beef with the authors' premise. They mention different times and in different ways that dating is how you learn about yourself and grow. It seemed to me almost like they were saying that dating is the best (if not only) way for those things to happen. I strongly disagree on that.
Maybe I got the There was a lot I already knew, so it was kind of review. Not to say it wasn't good, it was, (as evidenced by the numerous highlights), but much of it was stuff I've already heard/thought about.
I had one beef with the authors' premise. They mention different times and in different ways that dating is how you learn about yourself and grow. It seemed to me almost like they were saying that dating is the best (if not only) way for those things to happen. I strongly disagree on that.
Maybe I got the wrong impression and that's not what they meant at all, but that's how it came across to me. I've never dated, and I have a fairly good idea of the kinds of things I'm looking for.
I think it's a terrible idea to use a dating relationship, the dating realm, primarily as a training ground. Yes, you will inevitably grow and learn about yourself, but I don't think that's a reason to date.
I've learned a lot more about relationships and myself through observing relationships around me and through my friendships. No dating necessary. So there were things I disagreed with, but also a lot of great wisdom as well.
Not a book I'm sorry I read, by any means. The opening really captured my full attention when it began with a very common story that we can totally relate to. And when your interest is captured, there comes the means. This book helps you to discover what you want in a relationship, what kind of partner that is suitable for you and what kind of person you should be to pick the right person and build a life-term relationship. Detail enough, the analogies were awesome, that the arguments were much easier to visualize.
However, ha Goodstuff. The opening really captured my full attention when it began with a very common story that we can totally relate to.
And when your interest is captured, there comes the means. This book helps you to discover what you want in a relationship, what kind of partner that is suitable for you and what kind of person you should be to pick the right person and build a life-term relationship. Detail enough, the analogies were awesome, that the arguments were much easier to visualize. However, hard for me to fathom why God was brought in, in majority of the topics. Instead, human values and feelings should be the highlight when decisions are to be made. Its very difficult to explain or understand a subject when the explanation or the conclusion is just- God.
Nevertheless i thought the explanation on the spritual part, culture etc, made very good sense, but one part kind of left me mute, where the book says 'reserve your romantic feelings for people in the same religion of you' Well, thats definitely something i gotta do some research on, intriguing. No doubt there is so much take away from this book. It should have been more solid, to satisfy me. Usually dating-type books are hard for me, because I don't always take.everything. out of the read. While not everything applied to me, I did find a lot of good reminders and overall truths. What I really liked about the book was that it forced me to stop and examine my past behaviors and think about not repeating them, as well as constructive ways to turn those past behaviors into positives.
For example, saying you want your date to do something without consequences is nagging - but if you give Usually dating-type books are hard for me, because I don't always take.everything. out of the read. While not everything applied to me, I did find a lot of good reminders and overall truths.
What I really liked about the book was that it forced me to stop and examine my past behaviors and think about not repeating them, as well as constructive ways to turn those past behaviors into positives. For example, saying you want your date to do something without consequences is nagging - but if you give realistic consequences attached to your disapproval of a certain behavior, and follow through, that is beneficial for both of you. The book does a good job at outlining 'boundaries,' as would be expected - but really, those boundaries are healthy ways to stand up for yourself, healthy expectations for a relationship, and making sure the view in your mind of what dating truly consists of is what it should be. As someone re-entering the dating world after a 9-year hiatus, there were a lot of good reminders and constructive take-aways. I really enjoyed this book and recomend this book to anyone with relationship problems or worries etc. This book is a book that can help you have a healthy christian relationship with your partner.
I believe that in every relationship you need god to help you grow in love and life. Boundries in Dating can really connect with the reader and help the reader understand relationships and the cause of problems etc. This book really opens your eyes as you read it and you begin to realize things in you I really enjoyed this book and recomend this book to anyone with relationship problems or worries etc. This book is a book that can help you have a healthy christian relationship with your partner.
I believe that in every relationship you need god to help you grow in love and life. Boundries in Dating can really connect with the reader and help the reader understand relationships and the cause of problems etc. This book really opens your eyes as you read it and you begin to realize things in your relationship that you have never seen before or even thought of. The author writes alot about different situations that can occur in your relationship. It advices you on what you should do when your in certain posistions or problems. To me this book had many answers that i had about relationships, and it helped me understand many causes that lead to bad relationships, lies, cheating, adultry etc.
This book is a good book for anyone who is struggling or curious in there relationships. As I read through this, I couldn't help but think at how much common sense was in it, and how obvious his points were. It almost seemed insulting to my intelligence. But I also couldn't help but think how many people fail to live up to such simple, common sense principles. I see reviews of this book where people never got much out of it because everything in it seemed so obvious to them, but I question if they actually have a healthy dating life and are actually using these principles, or are sh As I read through this, I couldn't help but think at how much common sense was in it, and how obvious his points were. It almost seemed insulting to my intelligence.
But I also couldn't help but think how many people fail to live up to such simple, common sense principles. I see reviews of this book where people never got much out of it because everything in it seemed so obvious to them, but I question if they actually have a healthy dating life and are actually using these principles, or are sharing this wisdom with struggling friends. The reason why a book is written like this is because our culture has made a mess of dating and sexuality, and many people need the advice given in this book. I started reading this book last October when I first started dating my fiance. Over time, marriage preparation books became more important, and this book was set aside. I finally decided to skim through the last 20-30 pages so that I could know that I had completed this book. While there is some useful information in this book, the material wasn't nearly as applicable as the material in the original 'Boundaries' book.
For me, it was hard to get through 'Boundaries in Dating,' but it may be that I started reading this book last October when I first started dating my fiance. Over time, marriage preparation books became more important, and this book was set aside. I finally decided to skim through the last 20-30 pages so that I could know that I had completed this book.
While there is some useful information in this book, the material wasn't nearly as applicable as the material in the original 'Boundaries' book. For me, it was hard to get through 'Boundaries in Dating,' but it may be that I was less interested because my relationship quickly moved beyond the relationship stages addressed in these pages. I still like the Cloud/Townsend team, and plan to eventually read 'Boundaries in Marriage.' - I'm getting married next week! While it wasn't the most exciting read it did have important information one should know when it comes to relationships and dating. Wish I would have read it when it first came out! If you practice the principles offered in it, it will not only help you grow but also attract the healthy people ready for a relationship that has the potential to last and be fulfilling.
It will also help you improve relationship you're in or help you see the need to move on to a better relationship. A quote: 'Often While it wasn't the most exciting read it did have important information one should know when it comes to relationships and dating. Wish I would have read it when it first came out! If you practice the principles offered in it, it will not only help you grow but also attract the healthy people ready for a relationship that has the potential to last and be fulfilling. It will also help you improve relationship you're in or help you see the need to move on to a better relationship.
A quote: 'Often when a person begins working on his own growth the right person seems to come along. Maybe God has preserved that person from your immaturity until you wouldn't reek havoc with her.' John Townsend. Similarly to the first title, Boundaries touched on the basic elements of how to date wisely. In essence, avoid the mistake of dating someone who doesn't love Christ, treat you well, respect your family. I can see this book being helpful to those seeking to date differently than what movies portray, but I didn't get a whole lot out of it since I'd grown up reading Harris and Ludy and other courtship advocates.
Still, the wise principles contained therein might benefit those wrapping their head a Similarly to the first title, Boundaries touched on the basic elements of how to date wisely. In essence, avoid the mistake of dating someone who doesn't love Christ, treat you well, respect your family. I can see this book being helpful to those seeking to date differently than what movies portray, but I didn't get a whole lot out of it since I'd grown up reading Harris and Ludy and other courtship advocates. Still, the wise principles contained therein might benefit those wrapping their head around a counter-cultural approach to relationships. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller. His most recent books are and.
He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for. As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr.
Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public semina Dr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller. His most recent books are and. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country.
He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
If all sexual activity outside of marriage is a sin, is it also a sin to kiss outside of marriage? Before continuing with this article, please review the preamble included at the beginning of Scott's first article in this series, '.' . Quite a few Boundless readers asked questions or made comments about my statement in 'Biblical Dating: How It's Different From Modern Dating' that 'biblical dating assumes no physical intimacy' outside of marriage. Many wanted to know, did I really mean no physical intimacy?
What about showing affection? Isn't it sex outside of marriage that Scripture explicitly prohibits?
How can you say definitively that other things are wrong? What if we're in a committed relationship? Shouldn't our physical relationship 'progress' as other aspects of our relationship deepen?
In this day and age, how far is really too far? I understand most physical stuff is wrong, but what about just kissing? All good questions. With respect to pre-marital, romantically oriented kissing, we're clearly talking about an area about which reasonable believers can (and do) disagree.
Let me lay out what I view to be applicable biblical principles and passages on this topic. I'll start by putting my position right on the line: I believe the Bible to teach that all sexual activity outside of marriage is sin, and all romantically oriented physical activity is sexual activity.
In my view, this includes premarital kissing. As the questions above indicate, however, many single Christians have questions about whether premarital physical activity at some level beyond kissing is OK. We need to address the whole spectrum ('just kissing' included). Let me offer a caveat or two at the outset. First, the fact that 'romantically oriented' is in italics above is important.
I am obviously not saying that hugs and kisses of affection or greeting to relatives and the like are out of bounds. Another important point has to do with culture. In some cultures, kisses of greeting — between members of the same sex or of the opposite sex — as well as hand-holding and other forms of physical expression during normal, non-romantic social intercourse, are more common.
You might even be able to talk me into the notion that brief, 'non-leaning-in' hugs of greeting, sympathy, etc. Between men and women who are not romantically involved are OK. We all know what we're talking about here, and these are not the things I mean to address in this column.
The game changes when two people are romantically involved or 'semi-involved' (a fascinating phrase I recently heard). Before you start throwing things at your computer, let's go to Scripture. It is certainly true that no passage of Scripture says — in so many words, at least — 'thou shalt not kiss before marriage.' Having said that, I submit that there is a strong argument to be made from Scripture that there is no room for any sexual relationship outside of marriage. The argument becomes clearer when we look at some of what the Bible has to say about 1) sex, 2) our relationships with other believers and 3) sexual immorality itself. The 'S' Word As a good initial principle here, we should affirm that sex itself (and sexual activity in general) is not inherently negative or sinful.
On the contrary, in the proper context, it is a kind and good gift of God. Michael Lawrence and other able Boundless authors have written before about the wonderful gift of sex, so I won't belabor the point except to repeat that the Scripture passages on sex, taken together, make very clear that God instituted sex within marriage for purposes of procreation, pleasure, intimacy, holiness and — ultimately — for His glory. God instituted sex within marriage as part of His design of the family. In and following, Paul says once we are married, our bodies literally belong to our spouse; he also instructs spouses to meet one another's sexual needs and to be together regularly so as to protect ourselves from falling into ungodly lust and extramarital sexual activity. If you have any doubts about God's intention to give us sex as a wonderful, pleasurable gift, Song of Songs should put them to rest. In Song of Songs, God has given us a holy and beautiful picture of a marital sexual relationship, and everyone seems to be having an excellent time. Even there, however, God is clear that sex is uniquely for marriage: 'Do not arouse or awaken love before it so desires.'
The orthodox interpretation of the book suggests both that an actual sexual relationship is part of what the narrative relays and a context (at the time of the sexual part of the relationship) of marriage. Brothers and Sisters in Christ So marriage is a unique relationship, and the good gift of sex is not only allowed but commanded within that relationship. Still, the overwhelming majority of believers will only share that relationship with one person in their entire lives.
How are we to relate to everyone else (especially believers), and how does that question inform the topic of premarital sexual activity? The simple answer is that every believer to whom I am not married is my brother or sister in Christ, and I am to act accordingly. There are too many passages to mention in this space that communicate God's command to live for God's glory and to 'love' one another — defined as putting the spiritual good of others above our own desires. We are to do this in light of what God has done for us in Christ and in light of Christ's impending return.
Just a few examples:, especially vv. 9-13 ('Love must be sincere. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.
Honor one another above yourselves.' );, especially vv. 9b and 10a ('Love your neighbor as yourself. Love does no harm to its neighbor.' );, especially v. 5 (love 'is not self-seeking').
More specifically, reiterates the 'family' metaphor among believers and instructs us about how we are to treat our fellow members of the body of Christ: Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity (emphasis mine). This is a didactic (teaching) passage generally instructing us about how to relate to other 'family members' among God's people.
Boundaries In Dating Book
We should note this analogy with care. With the exception of husbands and wives, there is no sexual dimension to 'familial' relationships. Also, look at that phrase about how younger women should be treated — with absolute purity.
As a lawyer, I almost never see absolute statements. It's the strongest possible language Paul can employ. Gets even more specific: 'It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to lead a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his holy spirit.'
Look closely at verse 6. Render the word 'wrong' as 'defraud.' To defraud someone is to deceive that person — in this context, to imply a commitment that does not exist by committing acts with someone that are appropriate only in the context of a particular relationship (i.e., marriage) to satisfy my own 'passionate lust.'
To commit sexual immorality with and against someone, far from showing the 'love' to which Scripture calls all believers, is to act like those 'who do not know God,' and this passage calls such acts 'sin.' Now, one obvious counterargument to the point I intend to make is that the Scriptures I've cited above just beg the question of what behaviors violate those passages. The argument might run thus: 'Of course I want to love to others.
Of course I want to care for their spiritual good. I just think I can show genuine affection (short of intercourse) with someone I clearly care about and still obey those passages.'
Let's explore that idea. Let's say for the sake of argument that it is theoretically possible to engage in extramarital romantically oriented physical activity and obey the above biblical standards while doing it. Have you ever met that mark? Think about the times you have engaged in any type of romantically oriented physical activity with someone not your spouse. It might have been last night or last week or last year or back in high school or college.
Would you describe whatever you did as 'holy and honorable,' or was it done to satisfy the 'passionate lust' of you or your partner or both ? Were you honest with the person about making a commitment to him or her before the Lord, or did you defraud or deceive that person in some way? Was your purpose for doing what you did to build that person up spiritually — to make that person 'more holy' ? Do you believe that you and your partner 'honored God with your bodies' in doing what you did ? Whatever you did, did that interaction reflect 'absolute purity' ?
Was there 'even a hint' of sexual immorality in what you did ? Whatever you did, as you now think about it, does it inspire a comfortable peace or an uncomfortable shudder to remember that Father, Son and Holy Spirit observed it all? Do you believe God was glorified or grieved by what He saw? How'd your answers come out?
I can tell you from literally hundreds of emails and personal conversations that the only people who really attempt to justify premarital sexual involvement (with a few exceptions for 'just kissing') are those who would like to engage in it in the future or who are currently engaging in it. I have never heard any believer, single or married, defend their extramarital physical relationships from a position of looking back on them. Keep in mind that the idea of holy, God-glorifying sexuality is by no means an impossible standard once you figure marriage into the equation.
While no person stops being a fallible, broken sinner just because he or she gets married, the context of marriage makes it possible — even normal and likely, in the case of two walking Christians — to answer well the questions I just posed. Sex within a godly marriage is holy and honorable before God (, ). It is part of the process of building one another up spiritually in marriage and should be done to that end. It is also meant, among other things, for sexual pleasure.
And marriage — including the sexual relationship within it — reflects the covenant and the joyful, loving, intimate relationship between the church and her Savior. Not to put too fine a point on it, good sex within a godly marriage actually reflects God's character and brings Him glory.
It meets the mark. The Problem with 'How far can we go?' For those who have not thought about the passages above or who disagree with my argument from them, ' is still the big question on many minds. A brief tour of Christian blogs and bookstores will provide several different answers to the question, attempting to compose lines and boundaries somewhere on the sexual continuum behind which singles must stay. Some don't even draw lines beyond sexual intercourse, inviting singles to think it through and let their consciences guide them in the context of a committed relationship. I realize there's disagreement here. In my view, the problem with asking, 'How far can we go?'
Is that if we want to positively pursue godliness, it's simply the wrong question. What that question really asks is, 'How close to the line (sexual sin) can I get without crossing it?'
The problem is that Scripture explicitly tells us not to try to 'approach' the line at all, but to turn and run from it. The Bible and Sexual Immorality 'Flee from sexual immorality'. The Greek word for 'flee' in this passage is an exaggerated form of the word 'repent' that means (roughly) to turn and run from something. I once played golf on a course in Florida that was home to many large alligators (don't get distracted — my lack of judgment is not the point here). Every hole had big blue and white signs on it that said (I'm paraphrasing): 'DANGER: ALLIGATORS PRESENT.
DO NOT FEED OR APPROACH ALLIGATORS. IF YOU ENCOUNTER AN ALLIGATOR, FLEE IMMEDIATELY.' Now, we could quibble about exactly what 'flee' means here. It might mean 'run in the other direction.'
It might mean 'walk in the other direction.' What it certainly does not mean is 'attempt to carefully indulge your interest in alligators by taking your 5-iron, walking up to the alligator, and seeing how many times you can poke it without becoming its mid-afternoon snack.' Scripture is replete with statements that sexual immorality leads to death, that it is idolatry and that those who are characterized by it will not enter the kingdom of heaven (check out and following, among many others). In addition to 1 Corinthians 6, other passages explicitly tell us that sexual immorality is not something to flirt with. (right after speaking positively of how and why to selflessly love one another) admonishes us not even to ' think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.' Tells us that there must not be 'even a hint of sexual immorality' among the followers of Christ.
If you want to think through this idea well, take your concordance and look at what the Bible has to say collectively about sexual sin of all types. It's intensely sobering. The question is not 'How far can I go in indulging my desires for sexual gratification or intimacy without getting too close to this thing the Bible utterly rejects?' The question we should all ask — in any area of our lives — is 'How can I best pursue that to which God in His Word has positively called me?'
He has called us all to pursue holiness and purity in our personal lives. That leaves little room for intentional flirtation with any sin, sexual or otherwise. 'Just Kissing' Let's talk about two practical arguments that have implications for 'just kissing.' The first is that all sexual activity is sex.
I believe God's design of sex doesn't merely include the act of sexual intercourse. It's also everything that leads up to that act, and everything on the sexual continuum is meant to end in that act. It's called foreplay, and I think it's a fundamental part of God's design for sex. To borrow (and embellish) an analogy from, sexual activity is like a down-hill on-ramp to a highway.
It's one way, you gather momentum the second you enter it, and according to the Great Engineer's design of the highway system, there's only one reason to get on it. This truth bears itself out not only in our emotions, desires and common sense, but literally in our physical bodies. The moment two people begin kissing or touching each other in a sexual way, both the male and female body — without going into unwarranted detail here — begin 'preparing' for sex. God has designed us that way, and when we begin any sort of sexual activity, our bodies know exactly what's going on — even if our self-deluding minds deny it. I'll simply call the other argument the 'wisdom argument.'
Even if we assume for a moment — just for the sake of argument, mind you — that kissing without doing anything else isn't sex and is therefore OK, when two people care for one another, it is natural to want to consummate that affection physically. In the right context, those desires are good and right and God-glorifying. In any context, they are some of the strongest desires known to human kind. Kissing will often make you want to do more than kiss.
It will likely make you want to indulge in sin. That desire will be strong enough in both of you without blatantly tempting yourself by trying to put just one foot on the on-ramp. If courting such spiritual danger is not sin itself, it is, at the very least, an unwise invitation to sin, what Proverbs calls 'folly.' Why put someone you claim to care about at spiritual risk? Remember the Gospel I'll be the first to admit that this article has been a pretty rough slog through a type of sin many of us (myself included) have fallen into at one time or another in our lives. Let me close by reminding us all that while God hates sin, and while sexual sin — like all sin — is destructive to us and grieving to God, there is hope and forgiveness in Jesus Christ.
Healthy Boundaries In Dating
If we truly repent of our past sins and turn from them and believe in the atoning blood of Christ, we are not 'damaged goods,' but. What was red as crimson has become white as snow. 'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness'.